You speak to the Chieftan:\n\n"I see your village is rich with banana cream pies."\n\nThe chieftan nods.\n\n"Do you like banana cream pies?"\n\nThe chieftan shakes his head, 'no.'\n\n"Could I have a banana cream pie?"\n\nThe chieftan nods, "Only if you bring me something else other than a banana cream pie to eat! It's either that or human flesh, and frankly, I'm not a big fan of either."\n\n"I thought you couldn't talk." You say.\n\n"I just don't like to." replies the chieftan, nodding for some reason.\n\n\n<<if $food eq "yes">>You place the oatmeal packets and Propel into the hands of the Chieftan. He hands you a banana cream pie. He then smashes another banana cream pie into his own face.\n<<set $food to "no">>\n<<set $pie to "yes">>\n<<set $chief to "yes">>\n<<endif>>\n\n[[Go back|The Birthday Island]]\n
You acquire the birthday cake. As soon as the clerk puts the cake on top of the counter you are on it like lightning, your face fully submerged as you smear frosting all over you hair and beard. Within 2 minutes the entire large birthday cake is mostly inside of your stomach. You stagger and limp around the Walmart bakery, both elated with your birthday cake meal and unable to comprehend a meaning to life without more birthday cake to find. Suddenly, you start vanishing like Marty McFly in those Back to the Future movies. Your arms and legs painfully disentigrate into nothing as you scream wildly into the air.\n\nYou wake up in your bed. Was it all a dream? You decide to take a shit. You sit on the toilet, thinking about your nonsensical dream. After you wipe you stand up and look into the toilet bowl. The turds that you shit out are bright blue and spell out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS!!"\n\nT H E\n\nE N D
You are Thomas Polansky and it you have to find your birthday cake.\n\n[[Begin your search for the birthday cake|The Birthday Island]]
You walk up to the job application kiosk. Instead of a computer, there's a hungry homeless man where the screen should be.\n\n"If you give me a banana cream pie, I'll give you $18.67!" Screams the homeless man as loud as he possibly can, to no one in particular. In fact, you heard it several times on the walk over here.\n\n<<if $pie eq "yes">>\nYou decide to hand the homeless man the pie. He vomits $18.67 out of his mouth and nose, and the hole where one of his eyes should be. And also a couple of pennies fall out of his beard.\n\n"Why didn't you just use this money to buy yourself a pie here, in Walmart??" You ask.\n\n"Their pies aren't very good!" he whispers, softly, seductively into your ear.\n<<set $pie to "no">>\n<<set $money to "yes">>\n<<endif>>\n\n[[Get out of here.|Warehouse]]\n\n
Bloody clown tracks pattern the road amid the gratuitous display of carnage that is the path to the carnival.\n\nThe entrance ticket booth is noticeably empty as you walk past. Hundreds of happy, healthy people walk in pairs or groups enjoying the sights, sounds, and games of the carnival. A jumbo-sized ferris wheel presides over the entire scene like a colossus, slowly turning as two gigantic hamsters run in smaller wheels to power the operating gears.\n\n[[Play some carnival games|Games]]\n[[I'm done with this for now|The Birthday Island]]
You go up to the only non-ring-toss booth availabe, a small kiosk with computers running Killing Floor 2. You play for roughly 3 hours, 2 and a half of which are you kiting the Patriarch. The clown running the booth bribes you to quit by saying he'll give you a case of Propel Grape and a couple of packets of instant oatmeal. This is a deal you cannot afford to pass up.\n\n<<set $sick to "yes">>\n<<set $food to "yes">>\n[[Go back to the clearing|The Birthday Island]]
You casually walk up to the fridge and insert your body straight into it as if one single motion. This motion continues immediately as the momentum put into the fridge tips it over and closes the door on top of you. You suffocate knowing that you were the smoothest motherfucker on Earth for 5 seconds.\n\n[[Let's pretend this didn't happen|The Birthday Island]]
You walk up to the nearest ring toss booth: fried mashed potato ring, I know it wasn't mentioned in the list earlier but I seriously didn't think you'd go to this one. The clown behind the booth hands you a handful of fried mashed potatoes, which you eat. The clown frowns.\n\n[[Play Killing Floor 2 Instead|KF2]]
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You are Thomas Polansky. You have entered what many have come to know as "The Birthday Island" although you yourself do not know it, but soon you look down at the sign in front of you that says, "Welcome to 'The Birthday Island.'"\n\n[[Who am I again?|Who am I again?]]\n
You walk up to the nearest of four bakeries. You silently vow never to climb any stairs here. In the bakery display case is a rectangular birthday cake with the words, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS" written on it in bright blue icing. You reach out to grab big handfuls of cake and shove it into your mouth, but they are stopped halfway there by some sort of invisible force-field. Glass! You should have known. The bakery counter woman says, "It's $18.67 for the cake, I can ring you up right here when you have the money."\n\n[[Wander outside the warehouse and then back in.|Warehouse]]\n<<if $money eq "yes">>\n[[Pay for the birthday cake|Cake Acquisition]]\n<<endif>>\n
Looking up from the sign that welcomes you to the Birthday Island, you realize there are three distinct paths you can take. One is a dirt trail decorated with bloated and rotting corpses and occasional stray human limbs. And a few animal limbs. An elephant trunk, even.\n\nLooking to the right, the corpses and body parts thin out and a cobblestone path appears, leading towards a warehouse in a clearing ahead. You know instinctively that the warehouse is air-conditioned, which is good, because it's hot out here and you don't have any Pepsi. \n\nEven further to the right than that, there's an empty broken refrigerator. That's not really a path but who just throws a refrigerator out in the middle of nowhere? Maybe someone who works in the warehouse.\n\nAlright, if you keep moving your eyes and maybe turning your head a little bit to the right EVEN MORE, you see a paved concrete path that leads to a carnival ground. Corpses and assorted animal limbs are so thick they begin to obscure the blood-soaked road the closer to the carnival it gets.\n\n[[You know what? That dirt path seems exciting.|Dirt Path]]\n[[I would like to experience air conditioning now.|Warehouse]]\n[[The carnival sounds fun!|Carnival]]\n[[I'll bet I could fit inside of that refrigerator.|Fridge]]\n\n\n
You are Thomas Polansky and you have found yourself on The Birthday Island, a terrible floating fortress filled with danger, excitement, clowns, excitement, and danger. Many philosophers cite these 5 things as The Five Essential Components of Happy Birthday, but they are wrong. There is one essential ingredient that millenia of philosophical intropsection has overlooked: the Birthday Cake.\n\n[[That's Great, but can you tell me more?|That's Great, but can you tell me more?]]
Thomas' Amazing Birthday Adventure
The cobblestones are uneven underneath your feet as you come closer to the warehouse. You begin unconsciously salivating as you think more and more about how soon you'll be inside of an air-conditioned building, and maybe eating a lunchable or two.\n\nYou soon are at the front door of the warehouse. It is about the size of four Super Walmarts glued together, two on top and two below. In fact, you start paying more attention and realize that's exactly what it is. Four distinct Super Walmarts stacked together to make a Super Mega Hyper Walmart.\n\nA walmart greeter is here. She is an older woman of clownish descent, but recognizably human. Only one eye of her face is colored in bright blue makeup, and she honks a miniature bike horn at you as you walk through the door.\n\nSoon, you are overwhelmed by the sensation of beautiful, life-giving air conditioning. Why did you come here in the first place?\n\n[[Birthday Cake.|Bakery]]\n[[Need a job.|Job Applicator]]\n[[Return to the clearing|The Birthday Island]]\n
Author Unknown (Probably a Clown)
<<if $sick eq "yes">>\nYou're sick of all these stupid carnival games.\n\n[[Go back to the clearing.|The Birthday Island]]\n\n<<else>>\n\n\nAll the standard carnival games are here:\n\n1. Ring Toss\n2. Donut Toss\n3. Onion Ring Toss\n4. Killing Floor 2\n5. Hula Hoop Toss\n6. Lasso Toss\n7. Small Ring Toss\n8. Compact Disc Toss\n9. Laserdisc Toss\n10. Pin The Ring on the Donkey Toss\n\n[[Play Ring Toss or it's Variants|Tosser]]\n[[Play Killing Floor 2|KF2]]\n<<endif>>
You confidently being strolling down the dirt path, artfully skipping over maggot-thick human bodies and the occasional dog dick/leg. Once you get a half a mile or so down the path, you begin to realize that it must have been later in the day than it seemed, as it begins to get dark. Sooner still, a dense and unnatural looking fog rolls in to surround you. As the sun seemingly begins to set, you come upon a small tribal village. At it's gate is a clown: strong, tall and wearing an outdated and racist Indian Chieftan Halloween costume. You peer past him into the town square, and see many such clowns milling about, playing pattycake, eating banana cream pies, and cutting the fingers of off caged human tourists.\n<<if $chief eq "yes">>\nYou see the clown chieftan chugging a mixture of oatmeal and propel in between smashing banana cream pies into his face. He looks like the happiest clown on Earth.\n[[Leave|The Birthday Island]]\n<<else>>\n[[Speak to the Chieftan|Chief]]\n[[Leave|The Birthday Island]]\n<<endif>>